Pathetic

Who am I kidding??? Yes I'm writing down my thoughts but am writing here for him to know how miserable I am whenever he gets to read it. That's how pathetic I've become.

Nothing could make it better!

At the end you start thinking of the beginning. Now that we’re at the end I can’t stop thinking of how it was at the beginning. I remember the passion, the happiness, the thrill of meeting every day, missing him right after coming back home, talking for hours every night, the fights and making up. I remember the first touches, the first time I spoke about my feelings, I remember how much he cared about me, how much he loved me, how much he protected me, how he took care of everything, teaching me to drive, taking me to the driving test to get my driving license, coming with me to the insurance company after every accident to claim my money, giving me money when I recklessly spent mine. I remember how he mentored me about work and gave me advice in everything in life, he taught me a lot, he taught me more that I had learned in my whole life before meeting him.

I will never forget how I felt, how he made me feel, I felt I owned the Universe, I had it all. I was the luckiest girl alive. I will never forget how he felt about me, how he did all he could to have me and when he did, he did everything to make me happy, to make up for all the sadness I’ve been through. I will never forget the first time we traveled together and the times after, I will never forget how he tolerated my mood swings, my stubbornness, my stupidity, my craziness. I will never forget all the great times, how he confided in me with his deepest secrets, I will never forget his honesty and the kind of love we had. How could I forget? It’s all what I have now. I have nothing else but memories, as much as they’re all great memories, they hurt so much cause there’ll be no more good memories to hold on to. It’s over.

I remember the day he met my mom and the day I met his mom, the day we got engaged, the day we got married, I remember preparing for marriage, getting furniture, having our friends come over, being envied for having the greatest man ever, being looked at as the perfect couple. I remember every single detail. I remember living the best years in my life, unforgettable three and a half years passed so quickly as if they were just three weeks. It was all a beautiful dream which I woke up from to face the ugly reality of endless loneliness and pain.
I remember traveling by car, preparing for our trips, burning CDs for the ride, spending every minute together. What I will remember the most the feeling of being in his arms especially after we got married, hugging him before going to sleep and staying in his arms for hours in the morning and going late to work cause we can’t get enough of each other, every single day even after a year and a half of marriage. In his arms I felt I had all what I could ever dream of, I had love, passion, security, tenderness and hope.

How much I loved him is not something I could write in million words. Even though he didn’t feel it, but he really was so close to me even more than I am close to myself, even with me hiding secrets I felt he could see through my soul. He’s the only one he really loved me and he’s the only one I ever loved. I never felt close to anyone like I did with him, he was my everything, I didn’t care about anything in the world but him even if my actions didn’t show it, I know love is not just words I could write and I know my actions and attitude failed him and I’ll always regret that. I will always wonder how it would’ve been different if I just opened up from the very beginning and if I hadn’t been afraid of telling him some truths? I will always wonder how our life would’ve been. I will always how our new place would’ve been like, I will always wonder how many kids we would’ve had although I never wanted to have kids. I will always wonder if he met someone who loves him half the way I loved him. Will he love her the way he loved me? Will he give her all his feelings and love like he did with me? I can’t imagine we’re no longer together, I can’t imagine I could ever meet someone else and love anyone anyway close to the way I loved him. Yeah everyone says that after breaking up, but this is different, we were different, that’s something no one on Earth understands or ever will but me and him. No one understands. No one!

I’m so scared of the future, I am scared of how we’re ever gonna move on with our lives, I just don’t wanna go on with my life without him, I don’t see any hope there. I wish I could just go back in time to the start, when we were madly in love and we though nothing in this world could break up apart. I thought we’ll grow old together, I thought what could possibly go wrong between us, nothing. You just never know what the future holds for you. I wish I could go back to a couple of months ago.

I feel am such a bad person cause I will have all the good memories but all what he’ll have is ugly memories of the past couple of months that changed his life forever, he’ll only remember losing trust in me and in all our life together. I wish I could go back in time and be there for him the way he was with me, I wish I could make him happier, I wish I could make him feel how much I loved him and showed him what he meant to me. I wish I could make him understand that he was the perfect person for me, he was the one I never even dreamed of having, he was my hero, my man, my friend, my mentor, my lover, my everything. I owe to him all the good things that he brought out of me.

If you ever read this, it’s not meant to make you have pity on me, I just can’t sleep and writing what’s on my mind. And I know it’s over now. I am sorry for all the pain and hurt I caused. I really am and I regret it.

This is the end of my life as I know it, whatever comes next is not the life I wanted, it’s just a shadow living off the memories and nothing could ever make it better!

Less than 2 months to go...

Where do I begin? I’ve been going thru a really shitty period in my life since June… First I had an accident, had to live without my car for 2 months and hear all sorts of blame and preaching about me being reckless :), then on the same day my uncle passed away, then I had year-end shit at work, then I had fights with Khaled about my mom, some rest then MORE DAMN FIGHTS because of her, but it’s all good now, I guess.

Now, the good news is that Khaled and I decided to get over with all this shit and get married, actually we’ll throw a reception to have our katb ketab then we’ll get married (or actually go live together) WITHOUT having a wedding party once the furniture/flat is ready.

The idea f not having a wedding party is just great, we both hate weddings, I don’t wanna show up with ZAFFA, look stupid in a kousha, dance my feet off and throw flowers at my single friends and definitely I don’t want some psycho D.J trying to make the atmosphere COOL with trendy wedding songs!! The thing is, everyone is wondering, if am throwing a reception soon, sometime in November and then finish the flat, what will be the turning point? Will I just leave the house to my new flat, my new home and go for a honeymoon? I really don’t know, but I don’t care, I don’t care to follow the pattern drawn by people to have certain steps in marriage, I followed some already and I don’t want more, the terminology itself is sickening: erayet fat7a, talbees debal, khotooba, katbe ketab we shabka, fara7… Ughhh, my stomach turns just thinking that I have to go thru all this to be with the one I love, I have to do so many meaningless and costly shit while I could spend the money in things that will make us both happy.
My friends were shocked cause I’m not gonna have a huge wedding, they think I’ll back up from my decision and go with the flow, one of them thinks that zaffa is the most important part of the wedding, the other thinks I must wear a white gown and have a wedding night cause it happens only once in a life time and I shouldn’t ruin MY night (although she just got divorced and probably she’ll have other nights like this, I mean one more wedding), and another friend thinks that I can’t do a celebration (reception), wait for a while then leave my home without another celebration, even a small gathering… they all put me down, but I won’t give in..

I will have it my own way: simple, elegant and different. Since when did I care about what people think or will think. Since when did I start giving a shit if anyone will back me up in my decisions, as long as Khaled and I are on the same side, we’ll do what WE see best for US and we won’t bother pleasing people around us. If this is what will make us happy, then this is what we’ll have.

Mid November, Khaled will be officially mine…about 51 days to go :)

Scattered reflections

Finding your comfort zone and staying in it is not so good after all… I never used to cry no matter what happens, even if I did, I would do it while am alone and rarely in front of anyone, now I cry so easily and so fast. I never borrowed money from anyone in my whole life, till very recently. I was always my toughest judge and always tried to cut down on my bad habits, but now sometimes I even ignore them and pretend that they’ll just go away by themselves. I always stood alone against everything, as stupid and untrue as it may seem now, but it’s so true, and now what?

Feeling secure is such a delusional feeling security as much as it’s the greatest feeling I ever had in years, it turned on me or I let it turn on me… Between being emotionally strong and depending on one person to make me happy, between being confident of my every action, the way I look, the way I talk and suddenly trying to please one person by changing gradually some of these things even if it’s for the better, between being independent in every single thing in my life, mentally, emotionally, financially and counting again on one person to support me in all that, between myself and the perfect person I wanted to mould myself in, I got lost.

This is not security, this is just letting go of any responsibility and depending on another person to do everything for me, it’s like I got tired and when I found someone willing to take all the burden off my shoulder, I hurried to give it to him. He looked pleased back then!

There are zillions of thoughts running in my head and I can’t organize them, I don’t really wanna do any effort organizing them anyway. I wanna let it all out and burst without fear of being misunderstood, blamed, pitied or patronized.
Did I change? I guess I did, it was never like that, depression if I may call it, wasn’t really an issue before, it was my friend and I managed it well but now it’s turning to aggression at times and complete surrender at other times, it’s either I screw everything with my attitude or I give in to the temptation of being indifferent, comfortably numb???
Maybe the difference is that in the past, whatever depressed me I knew it wasn’t constant, I knew it’s transitional and it’ll just pass, but today, even when I know that like everything else, whatever I’m in will also pass, but I get worried sick when I think of what will happen when it passes. This can’t be growing up  This can’t be taking responsibility, this can’t be what I wanted my life to be. This is simply what I don’t want, what I fought so hard not to get at the end of the road, but what do I get? The stuff I always feared to end up with.

I wanted to be the perfect partner, but I ended up being the irresponsible, lazy, passive, weak, stubborn, stupid girl that no sane man would want to be with. I don’t know if I was always like that, or I acquired some of those traits with time, with the feeling of security surrounding me, making me let loose of my self-judging rituals. I wanted my future husband to have a good relationship with my mom, to understand where she’s coming from, to understand things that hardly anyone can understand but me and my brother, but what I got is yet another shitty relationship between a guy and his mother-in-law with me taking up the role of preventing-before-fixing problems and if I dare to say anything good about her, I’ll be doomed to hear all sorts of nasty talk about me being biased to my mom, bla bla bla and the other way around. But I’m not allowed to lose my mind, cause this is my God-damn fuckin role.. alright whatever!
I wanted to prove that I drive better than any girl, better than all new drivers, but all I had was an accident that even the lousiest driver wouldn’t have. Why? Because am a reckless shit.
Every time, all the time I keep deceiving my self saying that I’m doing as good as good can be, I do this, I do that, but I end up with just “wanted-to-be”. Maybe I only want and never do, and when I decide to do, I do it really bad.

It can’t get uglier than this, right? Maybe it could get worse but not uglier.. yes ugly, I feel ugly and sick, I feel unhappy, stressed, pressured by myself to pretend that everything will be ok, to pretend in front of a lot of people that I’m happy, I feel guilty, so guilty that I didn’t live up to the expectations of my partner and that I gave him so much shit when he least needed it and at the same time I feel so burdened with all the effort, the emotional effort needed from me to fix what I couldn’t prevent, but I can’t say a word about that, can’t complain or even talk about it cause it’s my own problem which only I should fix.

I know I still got the love that will get me out of whatever shit I go thru, I know I can still feel secure but I choose not to indulge in that too much and wake up, I know I have the best man on Earth but I also just realized that even the strongest love can be broken, so I won’t just count on the fact that we’re different and strong, I’ll work harder on making it work.. but I need time, a little time for myself, even one day to spend alone away from everyone, away from work and deadlines, away from acting perfect, away from trying to please everyone and failing at it, away from arguments, away from getting all sorts of criticism from everyone, away from the burdens I have not over my shoulders but mental and emotional burdens that are wearing me out, away from being the stubborn pain-in-the-neck girl. I wanna draw back and just have some quality time with myself. Even that I can’t have cause it’ll give out a message that I’m depressed in the time I should be making sure my guy is out of his own bad mood or depression or whatever he wants to call it. I can’t be selfish. Maybe I can just have some hours for myself, better than nothing 

I don’t know if I’m exaggerating or not.. maybe I’m dwelling in this mood with my own will just like weak people who I just hate, maybe. Everything is a “maybe” and all I have is “I don’t know”… I want facts in my life, solid facts, I want the truth that I lost, I want it back, I want belief, deep belief in what I have and will have as long as I set my mind to it, looks like everything was shaken by me, by the surrounding circumstances that I couldn’t control and let it run wild, by fate, by just too much security when I had nothing but fears & was busy overcoming them, by giving in. But at the end, I know for a fact that I’ll be ok and I’ll have what I want at the end and not what I fear to have.. I guess it’s ok to dwell for a while in this mood, but just a while and then I’ll wake my self up and get back on track. I hate to be weak, I just hate it and I refuse to be weak, that’s why I’ll get myself out of this state of being lost and confused very soon. I will not get myself too comfortable, never again.

Serendipity

A twist of serendipity happened to me a year ago, on June 26th 2007.

Till that day, I talked about happiness, falling in love, passion, trust, life, fun, pleasure, dreams. I talked a lot not knowing that I’ll learn later on that many of things I thought I knew were wrong cause only after that date I knew what it is to be happy, what falling in love really feels like, what it’s like to experience perfection.

When my significant other came into my life, he simply made every problem seem so small, every moment so valuable, every difficulty so easy, everything just seemed better. Even in my darkest moments, I smile when I think of him, I feel better when I know he’s there, and I forget everything when I’m in his arms.

I always knew I’d find someone who really cares, but didn’t know I’ll find my perfect match, who hates the silly stuff I hate (weddings, valentine’s red gifts, girly shit and meat), who is never bored of me, who cares about me more than anything in the world, who’d do anything to make me smile, who leaves everything to be by my side when I need him and when I claim I don’t need him, who just doesn’t give up on me.

It’s amazing how we understand each other; we complement each other in a freaking perfect way.

I still want to talk more about this, it’s endless, but I gotta go...